Have you ever thought, “Why is this child so angry?” or “Why do they shut down every time I try to connect?”

You’re not alone, and you’re not failing. When you’re caring for a foster or adopted child, these emotional outbursts, withdrawn behaviors, or defiant moments aren’t random. They’re signs of something deeper. These children aren’t trying to be difficult; they’re trying to protect themselves.

What’s Really Going On?

Children in foster care or adoptive placements have experienced disruption, loss, and trauma in some type of fashion. Even if they can’t articulate it, their nervous systems subconsciously remember. That fear, confusion, and heartbreak live in their body and reflect through their behavior.

It’s not about what’s wrong with them. It’s about what happened to them.

Common Emotional Challenges

You may notice behaviors like:

• Extreme mood swings or emotional outbursts
• Difficulty trusting or attaching to caregivers
• Withdrawing or becoming emotionally numb
• Constant testing of boundaries
• Heightened fear of rejection or abandonment
• Controlling behaviors or hyper-independence

These are all survival responses, often developed long before they arrived in your home.

‍Why This Happens

Foster and adopted children commonly come from early environments that lack stability and or safety. Some have faced:

• Neglect, abuse, or abandonment
• Multiple placements and broken attachments
• Inconsistent or absent caregivers
• Exposure to addiction, violence, or mental illness

Even if a child is now in a loving, stable environment, their body may still be operating in fight, flight, or freeze mode. Trust and emotional safety take time, and sometimes years, to rebuild.

You Can Be the Bridge

Healing can happen through relationships. As a caregiver, you’re not expected to be perfect, but you are asked to show up consistently, with compassion and curiosity.

Here’s how you can support their healing as their guardian:

• Understand the Impact of Trauma
  Learn how early adversity shapes brain development, attachment, and emotional regulation. Take extra time to educate yourself on the specific trauma your foster or adoptive youth has endured. This helps you respond with empathy instead of frustration. 

• Stay Steady During Storms
  When emotions run high, children need to know you won’t abandon them. Your calm presence teaches them they are safe, even when they’re struggling.

• Validate Their Experience
  Say things like, “That must have been really scary,” or “I’m here, even when you’re upset.” This builds emotional trust.

• Avoid Power Struggles
  Many children act out to test if love is conditional. Instead of reacting, stay grounded. Set firm, loving boundaries, and always reconnect afterward.

• Celebrate Small Wins
  Attachment healing doesn’t happen overnight. Every moment of eye contact, every shared laugh, every time they let you comfort them, it all matters.

You’re Doing Sacred Work

Parenting a child with a trauma history is both beautiful and exhausting. If you feel overwhelmed, it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re human.

Getting support for yourself and your child is not a weakness. It’s wisdom and the best thing you can do to ensure yours and their emotional needs are being met.

‍Want to Learn More?

Dr. Victoria Sanders, LMFT, is a nationally recognized therapist, speaker, and expert in:

• Relational trauma
  
• Foster care and adoption
  
• The long-term effects of early adversity

With a compassionate, client-centered approach, Dr. Vicki helps audiences understand both the what and the why of trauma, empowering individuals, families, and professionals to create lasting change.

Looking to bring Dr. Vicki to your next event, podcast, or training?

Contact Dr. Vicki Sanders to learn more or book her for an event.

‍

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse or neglect, help is available. Call the statewide Adult Protective Services hotline at (833) 401-0832. Just enter your 5-digit ZIP code to be connected with your local county APS office, available 24/7, every day of the week.

‍

‍