By Dr. Victoria Sanders, LMFT
Specialist in Relational Trauma, Foster Care, and Adoption

Healthy relationships aren’t built overnight, and they’re not maintained without intentional effort. In a world where more than a quarter of young Americans have cut ties with one of their parents, many people are rethinking how they show up in the relationships they still have. Whether it’s with a partner, parent, friend, or colleague, healing current relationships can transform not just your connections but your entire sense of self.

Why Healing Present Relationships Matters

Even healthy relationships experience friction. Stress, miscommunication, and unmet needs can erode connection if left unchecked. Proactively addressing these issues prevents minor cracks from becoming irreparable fractures.

Some relationships are worth rebuilding. Whether it’s a spouse, co-parent, sibling, or longtime friend, working through tension with people we still care about allows for:

• Emotional closure and understanding
  
  
• More secure attachment styles
  
  
• Better communication and boundaries
  
  
• Less reactivity from unresolved past hurts

The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) reports that nearly 90% of clients experience better emotional health following family therapy, with almost two-thirds noting overall wellness improvements.

Youth programs also show the power of family involvement: when family members engage in therapy, young people attend more sessions, stay in treatment approximately 2 weeks longer, and complete treatment 83% of the time, versus just 59% without family engagement.

Six Trauma-Informed Strategies to Heal Active Relationships

1. Understand the Trauma Loop

Unhealed relational trauma can trigger disproportionate reactions in current relationships, like shutting down after minor feedback or fearing abandonment during disagreements. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to breaking them.

Try this:

Pause and ask: Is this response about the present, or is it echoing something from the past?

2. Lead With Curiosity, Not Control

Instead of jumping to conclusions or defensiveness, ask open-ended questions:

“Can you help me understand how you felt when that happened?”

This creates emotional safety and softens conflict.

3. Build in Micro-Repair

Trust isn’t restored with one grand gesture; it’s rebuilt through tiny, consistent actions:

• Following through on small commitments
  
  
• Validating each other’s experience
  
  
• Laughing together after hard conversations

These moments slowly rewire the nervous system to feel safe in connection.

4. Set and Respect Boundaries

Healing isn’t just closeness, it’s clarity. Boundaries are critical for safety, especially for trauma survivors. Respecting each other’s limits can decrease reactivity and increase trust over time.

5. Build Shared Experiences

Connection grows through small shared moments:

Cooking together, phone-free walks, or even brief check-in conversations can lay the foundation for deeper trust and closeness.

6. Know When to Seek Help

If communication always ends in shutdown or explosion, therapy might be the next step. A trauma-informed therapist can help decode old wounds that show up in current dynamics.

When Rebuilding Isn’t an Option

Sometimes, healing doesn’t involve reconciliation. The person who harmed us may have passed away, be unsafe to contact, or unwilling to take responsibility. In those cases, therapy can offer space to process the grief, reclaim your story, and rewrite internal narratives that trauma has distorted.

Letting go can still be a form of healing and freedom.

Start Healing at Your Own Pace

You don’t need perfect relationships to feel whole, but you do need relationships that grow with you. Choosing to heal relationships you’re still in means prioritizing connection over avoidance, consistency over chaos, and vulnerability over defensiveness.

Invite Dr. Vicki Sanders to Speak

Dr. Victoria Sanders, LMFT, is a nationally recognized therapist, speaker, and clinical expert specializing in:

• Relational trauma
  
  
• Foster care and adoption
  
  
• The long-term effects of early adversity

Her engaging, trauma-informed presentations combine heart, humor, and science to help professionals and communities foster connection, resilience, and healing.

Looking for a speaker for your next event, podcast, or training?

Click here to book Dr. Vicki Sanders and start the conversation.

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If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse or neglect, help is available.

Call the statewide Adult Protective Services (APS) hotline at (833) 401‑0832. Just enter your 5-digit ZIP code to be connected with your local county APS office, available 24/7, every day of the week.

If you suspect child abuse or neglect, contact your local Child Protective Services (CPS) agency immediately. You can find your county’s CPS contact information or call the 24-hour Child Abuse Hotline at (800) 344-6000 (California). If you’re outside California, you can reach the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1‑800‑4‑A‑CHILD (1‑800‑422‑4453).