By Dr. Victoria Sanders, LMFT
Specialist in Relational Trauma, Foster Care & Adoption

It’s easy to imagine therapy as a cozy vent session with someone who always agrees with you. But real healing doesn’t always feel “nice.” Sometimes, it stings. It stretches you. It brings up hard truths.

That doesn’t mean therapy is cold or harsh; it means it’s honest. Good therapists aren’t there to please you; they’re there to help you heal. And healing often requires discomfort, truth-telling, and the courage to unlearn patterns that no longer serve you.

Let’s talk about why that matters.

Why It’s Normal for Therapy to Be Tough

• Discomfort is part of the process: Skilled therapists know how to meet clients where they are, mirroring their style to build trust. But they also know when to challenge gently in service of growth. That flexibility, known as “mentalizing,” is crucial in helping clients work through misunderstandings and deepen their insight.
  
  
• Relationship is the real change agent: Studies consistently show that the quality of the therapeutic relationship—empathy, trust, and collaboration—matters more than any single technique or approach. It’s the connection that creates the conditions for healing.
  
  
• Not every session feels good: While about 75% of people report lasting improvement from psychotherapy, not every session feels good in the moment. Sometimes, confronting deep-rooted patterns or emotional triggers can bring temporary discomfort. That doesn’t mean therapy isn’t working; it often means it is.

What You Can Do When Therapy Feels Hard

1. Expect discomfort.
   
   Therapy involves revisiting old wounds. If you suddenly feel triggered or resistant, that’s often a sign you’re leaning into growth.
   
   
2. Partner with your therapist.
   
   A strong therapist-client alliance, built on trust, empathy, and shared goals, is more powerful than any technique.
3. Reflect on your progress.
   
   Use session feedback tools or personal journaling to see how far you’ve come, even during difficult weeks.
   
   
4. Speak up.

If sessions feel too challenging, discuss it. A good therapist will adjust the pace or approach to support your journey.

5. Stay the course.
   
   Change takes time. Initial setbacks don’t mean therapy isn’t working; they often signal that real transformation is underway.

Your Therapist Isn’t Here to Be “Nice.” They’re Here to Help You Heal.

It is not the job of your therapist to just be “nice.” Their role is to challenge you, support your growth, and guide you toward healing. If it were always easy, it wouldn’t work. Embrace the challenge, lean into discomfort, and remember: this is where the real healing happens.

Invite Dr. Vicki Sanders to Speak

Looking for a keynote speaker for your next event? 

Dr. Victoria Sanders, LMFT, PhD, is a nationally recognized therapist, speaker, and Founder of VMS Family Counseling Services. With over 15 years of experience specializing in relational trauma, foster care, and adoption, Dr. Vicki blends clinical expertise, lived insight, and evidence-based methods, including TF-CBT, EMDR, TBRI, and CPT for PTSD, into every training, keynote, and conversation. 

Her trauma-informed, research-backed, and deeply human approach has earned her features on ABC30, The Business Journal, a 40 Under 40 honor, and speaking roles at leading conferences like UVU’s Mental Health Conference and the National Adoption Conference.

Dr. Vicki’s engaging presentations help professionals, educators, and clinicians reframe what healing looks like, not just the “nice” version.

Book Dr. Vicki Sanders to speak at your next conference, professional development training, university event, or mental health panel.

She’s available for in-person and virtual keynotes, workshops, and panels.

Click here to get in touch with Dr. Vicki Sanders and start the conversation.

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If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse or neglect, help is available.

Call the statewide Adult Protective Services (APS) hotline at (833) 401‑0832. Just enter your 5-digit ZIP code to be connected with your local county APS office, available 24/7, every day of the week.

If you suspect child abuse or neglect, contact your local Child Protective Services (CPS) agency immediately. You can find your county’s CPS contact information or call the 24-hour Child Abuse Hotline at (800) 344-6000 (California). If you’re outside California, you can reach the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1‑800‑4‑A‑CHILD (1‑800‑422‑4453).