Do you find yourself feeling anxious in close relationships, overwhelmed by emotional reactions you can’t explain, or constantly on edge, even when everything seems fine? Maybe you’ve struggled with trust, felt triggered by conflict, or found yourself shutting down emotionally.
These could be signs of relational trauma, a type of trauma rooted in our earliest and most important connections.
Relational trauma isn’t always obvious. It’s not about a single event. It’s about the repeated experience of feeling unsafe, unseen, or unloved in your most foundational relationships, especially during childhood.
Relational trauma happens when a caregiver or significant person in your life fails to provide safety, consistency, or emotional attunement. Instead of learning that relationships are a safe place to grow, your nervous system learned to be on guard.
Common causes of relational trauma include:
Relational trauma is sometimes covert, which means that it is not easy and open to see. If people say things like “what is wrong with you” or punish you for having feelings, you might also experience some of these symptoms. It is not to blame parents or say that everything is their fault, but instead to acknowledge the impact that words have on our growth and development.
Unlike a single traumatic event, relational trauma happens over time and within relationships that are supposed to be safe. It reshapes how you see yourself, others, and the world around you.
Relational trauma doesn’t just affect your past, it impacts how you relate in the present. You may find it difficult to trust others, set boundaries, or feel safe in your skin. Unless you address these feelings, these patterns can show up without warning in every area of life, especially your relationships.
According to the California Department of Social Services, up to 80% of children in foster care experience significant mental health challenges, compared to approximately 18–22% of children in the general population.
Foster youth often undergo unspoken battles, carrying the weight of being displaced, having to cultivate new relationships at every placement, and an overall lack of what a stable relationship should look like. That’s why understanding and healing relational trauma is so important, not just for individuals, but for the communities that support them.
If you’ve experienced foster care, adoption, or childhood adversity, here are five signs that relational trauma may be impacting your life:
If any of this resonates, know that you’re not alone, and it doesn’t have to stay this way.
Relational trauma can result in:
These aren’t personality flaws. They are survival strategies your nervous system developed to protect you after repeated disruptions in foundational relationships.
Healing from relational trauma involves rebuilding a sense of safety, both in your body and in your relationships. Through trauma-informed therapy, you can:
Working with a therapist or finding a supportive community offers a safe space to unpack the pain of the past and begin rewriting your story, with more self-trust, compassion, and clarity.
Dr. Victoria Sanders, LMFT, is a trusted voice in the fields of relational trauma, foster care, and the lasting effects of early adversity. As a nationally recognized therapist and speaker, Dr. Vicki brings warmth, clinical insight, and real-world experience to every conversation.
Whether you’re planning a conference, podcast, workshop, or professional training, Dr. Vicki helps audiences make sense of the “why” behind trauma and the “how” of healing.
Interested in bringing her expertise to your next event?
Click here to connect and start the conversation.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse or neglect, help is available. Call the statewide Adult Protective Services hotline at (833) 401-0832. Just enter your 5-digit ZIP code to be connected with your local county APS office, available 24/7, every day of the week.
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