Presence Over Perfection: What Children Actually Need

In a culture that celebrates achievement, optimization, and curated parenting moments, it’s easy to believe that being a “good parent” means getting it right all the time.

But children are not shaped by perfection. They are shaped by presence.

Perfection asks, “Did I handle that correctly?” 

Presence asks, “Was I emotionally available?”

And those are not the same thing.

1. Children Feel Regulation Before They Understand Words

Long before children can process logic or explanations, they are reading nervous systems.

They notice tone. Facial expression. Pacing. Energy in the room.

A perfectly worded response delivered with tension does not create safety.

A simple response delivered with steadiness often does.

Presence communicates: “You are not alone in this moment.”

And that is what builds emotional security.

2. Perfection Creates Pressure — Presence Creates Safety

When parents strive for perfection, children often internalize pressure:

• “I shouldn’t upset them.”

• “Big feelings are too much.”

• “Mistakes are dangerous.”

But when parents model presence — even imperfect presence — children learn:

• Emotions can be repaired.

• Conflict doesn’t equal rejection.

• Relationships can bend without breaking.

It’s not the absence of mistakes that builds resilience.

It’s the experience of repair.

3. Children Need to Feel Seen Beyond Their Behavior

Behavior is communication.

When we focus only on correcting behavior, children feel managed.

When we stay present to the emotion underneath, children feel understood.

Presence sounds like:

• “I can see you’re overwhelmed.”

• “That was really disappointing.”

• “I’m here. Let’s figure it out.”

Perfection tries to eliminate hard moments.

Presence walks through them.

4. Repair Matters More Than Getting It Right

You will raise your voice. You will miss a cue. You will react before you regulate.

What matters most is what happens next.

Repair teaches children:

• Adults can take responsibility.

• Relationships can recover.

• Love does not disappear during conflict.

“I was wrong.” “You didn’t deserve that tone.” “Let’s try again.”

Those moments build far more security than flawless responses ever could.

A Check-In

• When do I feel most pressure to be perfect?

• How does that pressure affect my tone or body?

• Where might my child need connection more than correction?

• What would regulated presence look like in one hard moment this week?

Presence is not about constant calm.

It is about emotional availability.

It is about returning.

It is about choosing connection even after rupture.

Children do not need a perfect parent.

They need a parent who is willing to stay.

And staying — especially when it’s hard — is what teaches safety, resilience, and trust.

Invite Dr. Vicki Sanders to Speak

Dr. Victoria Sanders, LMFT, is a nationally recognized therapist, speaker, and clinical expert specializing in:

• Relational trauma

• Foster care and adoption

• The long-term effects of early adversity

Her engaging, trauma-informed presentations combine heart, humor, and science to help professionals and communities' foster connection, resilience, and healing.

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If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse or neglect, help is available.

Call the statewide Adult Protective Services (APS) hotline at (833) 401‑0832. Just enter your 5-digit ZIP code to be connected with your local county APS office, available 24/7, every day of the week.

If you suspect child abuse or neglect, contact your local Child Protective Services (CPS) agency immediately. You can find your county’s CPS contact information or call the 24-hour Child Abuse Hotline at (800) 344-6000 (California). If you’re outside California, you can reach the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1‑800‑4‑A‑CHILD (1‑800‑422‑4453).